I lived in a world without love filled with sadness, gambling, alcohol, drugs, physical and mental abuse
I used to go to school trying to cover up the stick marks on my legs as nobody else seemed to have them, listening to other children going out on day trips with their parents and the fun they used to have with their siblings
I had spent the day before locked in my bedroom with a blue potty, the door handle was secured to the bannister with a rope. All I could hear was the sound of the sewing machine in the next room. When I had been let out at the end of the day, I was still crying however my mum told me she was going to get a bigger stick than last time from the bottom of the garden. These were usually accompanied with skin to skin beatings. It wasn’t until 2016 that she was diagnosed the with a mental health condition, Psychosis.
After the beating I sat behind the front door waiting for my dad to come home from the bookies.
At bedtime, I crept out of my room and sat on top of the stairs listening to the arguments whilst my dad drank his bacardi and my mum told him how naughty I had been.
That was groundhog day for me and the only escape I remember was when my dad used to get his free flight once a year. A perk that he got for working at the airline.
For those two weeks, I was free.
I left school without any qualifications and moved out of home when I was 16 and remember running as fast as I could, similar to Forest Gump when his leg braces start to break away.
No matter what I achieved whether monetary or how high up the career ladder I went, I was still unhappy inside.
I remember a time when I was in Watford with my 3 year old son and two of his friends. We had gone bowling, the sun was shining and I thought I was in a great mood. Out of the blue something just clicked in my head and I felt really strange. I started perspiring, I felt dizzy and knew something was wrong. I rang my son’s father, who I was separated from at the time to tell him what was happening and that I was scared. He was in London, drinking with his friends however told me to go home straight away. Over the next 6 weeks, I was bed bound, I had to be force fed and the doctor gave me anti depressants, telling me I had over worked myself. My dad came over with a bottle of wine to ‘make me feel better’…which was the last thing I needed. During that time I had two moments where I was getting thoughts that I wanted to check out. Again, scared I rang 101. The only thought that stopped me was my 3 year old son….I wasn’t going to leave him, he was my world. It took me six months to recover.
My only experience of love had been visits to the library where I read one book after another from the ‘romance’ section. No matter how hard I tried to please and love people, the sadness just deepened.
In my search for love, I’d had one failed relationship after another. They were too nice, the one night stands never rang me and then there were the relationships I had which consisted of alcohol, gambling, drugs, physical and mental abuse. Sound familiar?
Then, I had the relationship which crossed every line and almost pushed me past breaking point.
I was just a shell, had no pride in my appearance and didn’t even know who I was anymore.
Despite being a victim of GBH, I went back to my partner which resulted in my closest friends starting to distance themselves from me. I felt so lonely.
My intake of cocaine and alcohol became more frequent as It masked the pain I felt inside.
Behind closed doors, I was continuously told that I was mad and needed help which is when my journey into personal development began…..I booked my first session with a counsellor.
£6,000 later I was divorced from my second husband however the world around me still seemed loveless, filled with sadness and surrounded by gambling, alcohol and drugs.
During those years I received counselling, my best friend rang me one afternoon. I had been painting my son’s bedroom, my head filled with thoughts about decorating then the bombshell dropped. She had decided to go to the police to report a man who we both knew. He had groomed her from the age of 6 and had sex with her between the ages of 11 and 17. We had been best friends since 11 and I hadn’t even noticed the signs. 24 hours after the man was released on bail, he committed suicide. A short while after, she managed to get a free place onto an NLP course with a gentleman called David Key which is when her life started changing for the positive.
For months she was trying to convince me to go and see him however I was sceptical. I was already paying for a counsellor (even though all I was doing was reliving the past each session). Then, one day she told me that David was offering a taster session on a Saturday. It was free so I thought, why not. At least it would stop my friend nagging me to go and I was curious.
I turned up to the taster session and remember not being sure what to make of it. There were a lot of people from all walks of life (including a professional footballer) and by the end of the day my head felt really heavy. The counselling didn’t appear to be working so I decided to sign up for one of the courses. The course I had signed up for was for NLP however David was also talking about a different understanding …The Three Principles
Throughout the course, I was watching videos by a man called Sydney Banks with a very strong Scottish accent and I didn’t have a clue what he was talking about. Discussions how the past doesn’t exist?….of course it did, I was there! Apparently our thoughts create our reality? Yet there was something that kept me in the conversation.
There have been many insights since that day and even now…. I’m on an amazing journey and rebuilding an amazing relationship with me.
You see, when I was born, I was given labels as in what my name is, my sex, my religion, my creed and with that came a whole set of beliefs that I spent most of my life trying to find and fit into ….outside in. Now my reality is filled with the purest form of love that I was born with and happiness – inside out. The drugs and alcohol are no longer needed to mask the pain and I love waking up each day in the now. As for my friend? I got my own back and nagged her to go to a Three Principles Retreat and now her only complaint is how tiring it is to be happy all the time. Understanding that our thoughts really do create our reality not only has an positive impact on ourselves but on the people around us.